ok, here is mine, you may have heard if it but lets here your jokes too. Mine is called "Peanuts".
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people.
Tell us your joke stories...
Moderator: snoopdog
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donkeyclubmember
- Amoeba
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snoopdog
- Yellow Tang
- Posts: 4258
- Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2003 7:37 pm
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- Location: Mobile, Al
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Two from Rage3D
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him; he has only 24 hours to live Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time? Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses &turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't."
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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language. "
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen...."
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him; he has only 24 hours to live Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time? Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses &turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language. "
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen...."
"When they was no meat we ate fowl, when there was no fowl we ate crawdad. And when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand."--Cellmate
"You ate what?"--H.I.
"We ate sand."--Cellmate
"You ate sand?"--H.I.
"That's right."--Cellmate
"You ate what?"--H.I.
"We ate sand."--Cellmate
"You ate sand?"--H.I.
"That's right."--Cellmate
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snoopdog
- Yellow Tang
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- Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2003 7:37 pm
- Are you a Bot ?: No
- Location: Mobile, Al
- Contact:
A father passing by his daughter's bedroom was astonsihed to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Bill and he is so nice -- even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Bill said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer out in the woods and has plenty of firewood to for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my greatest dreams too. Bill taught me that marijuana really doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with the neighbors for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Bill can get better: he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old and know how to take care of myself now. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know yoru grandchildren.
Your daughter, Erin
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report cars -- it's in my center desk drawer.
I love you!! Call me when it's safe to come home!
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Bill and he is so nice -- even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Bill said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer out in the woods and has plenty of firewood to for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my greatest dreams too. Bill taught me that marijuana really doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with the neighbors for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Bill can get better: he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old and know how to take care of myself now. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know yoru grandchildren.
Your daughter, Erin
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report cars -- it's in my center desk drawer.
I love you!! Call me when it's safe to come home!
"When they was no meat we ate fowl, when there was no fowl we ate crawdad. And when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand."--Cellmate
"You ate what?"--H.I.
"We ate sand."--Cellmate
"You ate sand?"--H.I.
"That's right."--Cellmate
"You ate what?"--H.I.
"We ate sand."--Cellmate
"You ate sand?"--H.I.
"That's right."--Cellmate
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Guardfather
- Amoeba
- Posts: 239
- Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2004 1:20 pm
- Location: Mobile, AL
- Contact:
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GermanShepherdGirl
- Copepod
- Posts: 350
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:47 am
- Location: West Mobile
THE AFFAIRS
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be
cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe,"
he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead?"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." and she rubbed
baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
"now just rest and let the poison work."
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be
cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe,"
he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead?"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." and she rubbed
baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
"now just rest and let the poison work."
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Guardfather
- Amoeba
- Posts: 239
- Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2004 1:20 pm
- Location: Mobile, AL
- Contact:
Only 'cause you threatened her live if she didn't make "A"s. But that's okay ... She'll thank you for it ... Someday ... Maybe.Amyjoe wrote:I need to forward that to Skylar only thing is she is a straight A student.
Captain Barbosa: "The code is more what you call "guidelines" than actual rules. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Ms Turner."
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Kart Racer
- Copepod
- Posts: 271
- Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2004 7:04 am
- Location: Saraland,AL
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Guardfather
- Amoeba
- Posts: 239
- Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2004 1:20 pm
- Location: Mobile, AL
- Contact:
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GermanShepherdGirl
- Copepod
- Posts: 350
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:47 am
- Location: West Mobile
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Kart Racer
- Copepod
- Posts: 271
- Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2004 7:04 am
- Location: Saraland,AL
Never said I bought them. I work with a 71 year old Vietnamese man and they sent him a magazine a couple of years ago. Naturally he bought a 2 years subscription and another since then but when he gets them he gives them to me because his lady friend would skin him alive if she seen them at his house. And yes I also read the articles German Sheprd Girl.