Deep thoughts.................??????????

Belothesurf · Post by **Belothesurf** » Fri Apr 02, 2004 2:23 am

Why do we park on driveways...............and drive on parkways.....?????

Melissakins · Post by **Melissakins** » Sun Apr 04, 2004 7:21 pm

So you want Deep Thoughts, eh? Well......here we go.....Enjoy

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Melissakins · Post by **Melissakins** » Sun Apr 04, 2004 7:26 pm

More "sickness"

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Post by **snoopdog** » Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:00 pm

LOL, i love it. You have my sense of humor....sick.

Phisher · Post by **Phisher** » Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:07 pm

Water is what keeps a boat afloat, but its also what sinks it.

Author unknown (by me at least)

Joe

Melissakins · Post by **Melissakins** » Mon Apr 12, 2004 2:42 pm

More ha ha's.....These are great....

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties

Melissakins · Post by **Melissakins** » Mon Apr 12, 2004 3:56 pm

These things kill me.....heh....

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Melissakins · Post by **Melissakins** » Mon Apr 12, 2004 3:58 pm

I'm just going to print this and tape it to the wall underneath my diploma:

got that one from Brandon this morning, so hopefully I'm not duplicating anything......

Melissakins · Post by **Melissakins** » Mon Apr 12, 2004 4:31 pm

I can't seem to stop myself:

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.

Belothesurf · Post by **Belothesurf** » Mon Apr 12, 2004 9:11 pm

Phisher wrote:Water is what keeps a boat afloat, but its also what sinks it.

Author unknown (by me at least)

Joe

sweet................

Belothesurf · Post by **Belothesurf** » Mon Apr 12, 2004 9:16 pm

Mellissa.............that's deeeeeeepppp.........do we need to............"talk"...?

Belothesurf · Post by **Belothesurf** » Mon Apr 12, 2004 9:21 pm

Anywaaaayssssss............Deep Thought!!!!...........................why does sour cream have an expiration date?????????????? Does it go......"good"?

Belothesurf · Post by **Belothesurf** » Tue Apr 13, 2004 3:20 am

ok, another one...............what do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious.........hmmmmmmm?????

Belothesurf · Post by **Belothesurf** » Tue Apr 13, 2004 3:27 am

now that I'm thinking about it................do frogs have to wait 30 minutes after eating....to get "Out" of the water....................sorry guys, late at night I start pondering these questions......

Belothesurf · Post by **Belothesurf** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 12:56 am

I thought these were easy questions.............maybe not...ok, here's one that gets me.....if Olive oil comes from Olives,.....where does Baby Oil come from??????????